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Stephen Fry & Hugh Laurie on "Dangervision."
Transcript of the Dangerous Brothers' "Dangervision" sketch, guest-starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.
The set is a tiny sitting-room. Stephen, in a conservative sports
jacket and tie, is sitting in an armchair center stage. In front
of him is a small table with a radio and pot of flowers. On the
back wall are two large windows.
Orange letters across the screen read "Dangervision."
Hugh, also in conservative sports jacket and tie, and holding a
bouquet, opens the door.
Hugh: Mother, I'm home!
Stephen: Well turn the wireless on, dear, and we can do the
Flower-Arranging Dance.
Hugh turns on the radio. Bouncy music starts. Stephen rises and
picks up the pot of flowers. They bow to each other, and begin
a simple stepping-dance while tossing flowers.
Adrian (Ade Edmondson) pops up in front of the stage. Stephen and
Hugh don't notice.
Adrian: (sneering at audience) Heh heh heh...
Adrian walks off. Richard (Rik Mayall) pops in through the
door, glares disgustedly at the dance, and leaves. Stephen and
Hugh still don't notice. Stephen puts a flower in his teeth.
Richard and Adrian burst in through the back windows. Richard
lets loose a few blasts with his machine gun. Stephen and Hugh
step back to opposite ends of the stage.
Richard: Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Dangerous Brothers!
A: We are the Dangerous Brothers!
R: My name is Richard Dangerous, and this (indicating Adrian)
is Lady Adrian Dangerous!
A: I have nothing in my pants!
R: He's got nothing in his trousers!
S: But, um...you've been banned!
R: Oh.
A: Fair enough.
R: Yeah, fair enough.
Richard and Adrian climb back out through the windows. Stephen
and Hugh survey the damage with resignation.
S: Oh, bloody...Well, start again.
H: Yeah, right away.
Hugh goes out the door. Stephen sits down.
S: (muttering) Blast.
Hugh comes in.
H: Mother, I'm home!
S: Yes, well, turn the wireless on and we can do the
Flower-Arranging Dance.
Dance as before. Richard and Ade bust in through the windows
again, this time wearing thick-rimmed glasses.
R: Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Ben Elton Brothers!
A: Aah, the Ben Elton Brothers!
R: My name is Richard Ben Elton, and this...(indicating Adrian)
is Lady Ben Elton!
R & A: (miming talking into a mike) Blah-de blah-de-blah,
fascist Britain, whoops, bit of politics there, my name's Ben
Elton, good night!
H: You've interrupted--you've interrupted our Flower-Arranging
Dance!
A: Exactly, bumface!
Adrian picks up a wooden breakaway chair and whacks Hugh across
the side with it.
A: (giving a thumbs up to the audience) Whoops, I wonder if the
liberals in the audience saw that one!
R: (to audience) Typically Ben Elton, I think you'll agree!
S: You are not the Ben Elton Brothers, you are the Dangerous
Brothers; you have ruined an extremely (Richard and Adrian
start making mocking "talking too much" gestures) funny
Flower-Arranging set; you've been banned because you're too
sexy, and too violent; and if you don't get out we'll rearrange
you!
A: (drawing back a fist) I'll bloody rearrange you in a
magic moment, matey! Now hold me back! Hold me back!
R & A: Hold me back!
Richard grabs Adrian's shoulder as if to restrain him from
violence.
A: (triumphantly) Hahaha!
R: (to audience) That's the kind of [obscured by audience
laughter] from Saturday Live! Ever since the Dangerous
Brothers have been banned--not that we're admitting to being the
Dangerous Brothers, are we, D'Artagnan?
A: Er, no...Biggles!
R: Ha! (to Stephen) Get sexy!
S: Um...
R: (to audience) That's what the pundits want, isn't it, you
want more sex and more violence! (audience cheers) See, fifteen
primary schoolchildren can't be wrong! Now get sexy!
Stephen and Hugh throw each other flirty/moony looks from
across the stage. Stephen half-turns and pulls back the tail of
his jacket to show Hugh.
R: No, no...(encouragingly) ah, sexy, get sexy.
A: Sexy.
Stephen and Hugh look bewildered.
R: Sir Adrian, demonstrate sex.
Adrian does a spastic bump-and-grind.
A: Giggle giggle giggle! Slam slam! (waggles tongue)
Obligingly, Stephen and Hugh begin to gyrate very awkwardly.
R: All right, now that's more like it! Music!
Bouncy music from before starts to play.
R: Now, get violence-y!
Stephen and Hugh gyrate towards each other and slap each other
lightly.
A: No, no--violence-y, violence-y!
R: Like this!
A: Like this!
Adrian grabs Richard's crotch and yanks viciously, causing
Richard to clutch at his own groin and hop in agony.
R: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Stephen and Hugh dutifully follow Richard's example, clutching
at their own groins while hopping up and down.
S & H: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
A: No, it's pathetic, we might as well do it ourselves!
From the camera's pov we see Adrian approach and grab the
camera.
A: Camera number seven please, thank you very much!
A crewman with a headset climbs up on stage.
Crewman: What's going on?
Adrian smashes him over the head with a vase, knocking him
offstage. Richard takes the camera from Adrian.
A: (to audience) Stay tuned for some seriously dangerous
television later on!
R: And you two cut to the punchline, and make it violently
sexy!
They go out the door. Cameraman runs across the stage after
them.
S: Um...
H: Um...
Cameraman: Hey, you can't take that, we need it!
Hugh clutches his groin while Stephen starts gyrating
awkwardly.
H: (thinking fast) Ah, no, no...um, no, no...Mr. Murgatroyd had
piles of money, not hemorrhoids!
S: D'ohh!
They both grin cheesily at the audience.
The remainder of the sketch follows Richard and Adrian as they
continue to shout at the audience and destroy things.
There you have it, folks. Took me a while to get this down, as
there's a lot of audience laughter and the guys say some of
their lines pretty fast.
The set is a tiny sitting-room. Stephen, in a conservative sports
jacket and tie, is sitting in an armchair center stage. In front
of him is a small table with a radio and pot of flowers. On the
back wall are two large windows.
Orange letters across the screen read "Dangervision."
Hugh, also in conservative sports jacket and tie, and holding a
bouquet, opens the door.
Hugh: Mother, I'm home!
Stephen: Well turn the wireless on, dear, and we can do the
Flower-Arranging Dance.
Hugh turns on the radio. Bouncy music starts. Stephen rises and
picks up the pot of flowers. They bow to each other, and begin
a simple stepping-dance while tossing flowers.
Adrian (Ade Edmondson) pops up in front of the stage. Stephen and
Hugh don't notice.
Adrian: (sneering at audience) Heh heh heh...
Adrian walks off. Richard (Rik Mayall) pops in through the
door, glares disgustedly at the dance, and leaves. Stephen and
Hugh still don't notice. Stephen puts a flower in his teeth.
Richard and Adrian burst in through the back windows. Richard
lets loose a few blasts with his machine gun. Stephen and Hugh
step back to opposite ends of the stage.
Richard: Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Dangerous Brothers!
A: We are the Dangerous Brothers!
R: My name is Richard Dangerous, and this (indicating Adrian)
is Lady Adrian Dangerous!
A: I have nothing in my pants!
R: He's got nothing in his trousers!
S: But, um...you've been banned!
R: Oh.
A: Fair enough.
R: Yeah, fair enough.
Richard and Adrian climb back out through the windows. Stephen
and Hugh survey the damage with resignation.
S: Oh, bloody...Well, start again.
H: Yeah, right away.
Hugh goes out the door. Stephen sits down.
S: (muttering) Blast.
Hugh comes in.
H: Mother, I'm home!
S: Yes, well, turn the wireless on and we can do the
Flower-Arranging Dance.
Dance as before. Richard and Ade bust in through the windows
again, this time wearing thick-rimmed glasses.
R: Ladies and gentlemen, we are the Ben Elton Brothers!
A: Aah, the Ben Elton Brothers!
R: My name is Richard Ben Elton, and this...(indicating Adrian)
is Lady Ben Elton!
R & A: (miming talking into a mike) Blah-de blah-de-blah,
fascist Britain, whoops, bit of politics there, my name's Ben
Elton, good night!
H: You've interrupted--you've interrupted our Flower-Arranging
Dance!
A: Exactly, bumface!
Adrian picks up a wooden breakaway chair and whacks Hugh across
the side with it.
A: (giving a thumbs up to the audience) Whoops, I wonder if the
liberals in the audience saw that one!
R: (to audience) Typically Ben Elton, I think you'll agree!
S: You are not the Ben Elton Brothers, you are the Dangerous
Brothers; you have ruined an extremely (Richard and Adrian
start making mocking "talking too much" gestures) funny
Flower-Arranging set; you've been banned because you're too
sexy, and too violent; and if you don't get out we'll rearrange
you!
A: (drawing back a fist) I'll bloody rearrange you in a
magic moment, matey! Now hold me back! Hold me back!
R & A: Hold me back!
Richard grabs Adrian's shoulder as if to restrain him from
violence.
A: (triumphantly) Hahaha!
R: (to audience) That's the kind of [obscured by audience
laughter] from Saturday Live! Ever since the Dangerous
Brothers have been banned--not that we're admitting to being the
Dangerous Brothers, are we, D'Artagnan?
A: Er, no...Biggles!
R: Ha! (to Stephen) Get sexy!
S: Um...
R: (to audience) That's what the pundits want, isn't it, you
want more sex and more violence! (audience cheers) See, fifteen
primary schoolchildren can't be wrong! Now get sexy!
Stephen and Hugh throw each other flirty/moony looks from
across the stage. Stephen half-turns and pulls back the tail of
his jacket to show Hugh.
R: No, no...(encouragingly) ah, sexy, get sexy.
A: Sexy.
Stephen and Hugh look bewildered.
R: Sir Adrian, demonstrate sex.
Adrian does a spastic bump-and-grind.
A: Giggle giggle giggle! Slam slam! (waggles tongue)
Obligingly, Stephen and Hugh begin to gyrate very awkwardly.
R: All right, now that's more like it! Music!
Bouncy music from before starts to play.
R: Now, get violence-y!
Stephen and Hugh gyrate towards each other and slap each other
lightly.
A: No, no--violence-y, violence-y!
R: Like this!
A: Like this!
Adrian grabs Richard's crotch and yanks viciously, causing
Richard to clutch at his own groin and hop in agony.
R: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Stephen and Hugh dutifully follow Richard's example, clutching
at their own groins while hopping up and down.
S & H: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
A: No, it's pathetic, we might as well do it ourselves!
From the camera's pov we see Adrian approach and grab the
camera.
A: Camera number seven please, thank you very much!
A crewman with a headset climbs up on stage.
Crewman: What's going on?
Adrian smashes him over the head with a vase, knocking him
offstage. Richard takes the camera from Adrian.
A: (to audience) Stay tuned for some seriously dangerous
television later on!
R: And you two cut to the punchline, and make it violently
sexy!
They go out the door. Cameraman runs across the stage after
them.
S: Um...
H: Um...
Cameraman: Hey, you can't take that, we need it!
Hugh clutches his groin while Stephen starts gyrating
awkwardly.
H: (thinking fast) Ah, no, no...um, no, no...Mr. Murgatroyd had
piles of money, not hemorrhoids!
S: D'ohh!
They both grin cheesily at the audience.
The remainder of the sketch follows Richard and Adrian as they
continue to shout at the audience and destroy things.
There you have it, folks. Took me a while to get this down, as
there's a lot of audience laughter and the guys say some of
their lines pretty fast.