Top Gear: The Musical

[ldhenson]

Someone over on FG raised the question of what we'll all do now that S12 has ended, and I facetiously responded that I would go back through old episodes and turn them into sing-along musicals.

And then I had a long, boring walk to the store.

(Spoilers for 08x03, the first Amphibious Car Challenge.)



JAMES:
My car has got a sail...

JEREMY:
My car is full of foam!

RICHARD:
My car is sure to fail
And I want to go home!

JAMES:
I'll go straight in the lake!

JEREMY:
I'm heading for the far shore!

RICHARD:
I think my engine can't take
It anymore...

JEREMY:
Do you need some help?

RICHARD:
Are you making me beg?

JAMES:
Am I stuck in kelp?

RICHARD:
Would you like a leg?

JEREMY:
Come in and help me bail.

RICHARD:
We've only got this pail.

JAMES:
I think I love my sail!

RICHARD & JEREMY:
You're moving like a snail!

JAMES:
Well, I could use...a gale...

Crowd:
We're saying "Go go go!"

JEREMY:
I'm having such a blast...

Crowd:
We're cheering Captain Slow!

RICHARD:
We're moving much too fast...
I think I'm going in!

JEREMY:
Oh don't be such a girl.
I sense we're going to win!

RICHARD:
I sense I'm going to hurl...

JAMES (aria):
My car, my boat, I love you
As o'er the waves we glide
We'll never part our ways
And your beauty I will praise
If you'll just reach the other side
In the NEXT FEW DAYS!

JEREMY:
I see the distant land!

RICHARD:
How do we reach the dock?

JEREMY:
...I hadn't really planned...

RICHARD:
I think you really cock
-Ed that one up well.

JEREMY:
Bloody hell!

RICHARD & JEREMY (lamentoso):
It's sinking...overturning...
All around us the tides are churning...

JEREMY:
Quick, we have to climb on top
And we'll sit there on the keel.

RICHARD:
I'm sinking, I can't stop!

JEREMY:
You've grabbed the wheel.

RICHARD:
Oh.
How do you think he's doing,
Our third friend out in his craft?

JEREMY:
He might as well be canoeing
And he's daft!

RICHARD:
And he's daft!

JAMES:
Daft am I? I'll make you see
There is sailor's blood in me!
If I only had a breeee...
...eeeze. God, it's slow.
Why won't it blow?

JEREMY:
Is he landing? I am dumbstruck!
He was slowing by the hour!
My Toyboata was a REAL truck
And had powwwaaarrrr!

JAMES:
I'm coming in to land.

JEREMY:
I think I'm seeing red!

RICHARD:
Here let me give you a hand...

JAMES:
Oh now my clutch is dead.
But it seems I win!
And your car's on its back.

JEREMY:
(Can't we just push him in?)

JAMES:
Good handling's just a knack.

RICHARD:
So...

JEREMY:
Sooo...

JAMES:
Sooooo...

RICHARD:
So now we've driven shore to shore

JEREMY:
Without the use of road or oar

JAMES:
And though we made it, we're aware
And we can definitely declare

ALL:
That sailing's really...aaaa...BOOORRRRRE!

(EXEUNT STAGE LEFT)